for the past two weeks, I've figured that I'm back to my old self. the emo, lonely, lifeless self.
"i've never seen you smiling so brightly before, you know?" - Jiayi
one sentence alone conveyed so much meaning. I won't say I can't find my smiles back, but I'll say I'll have a real hard time finding them.
I waited & had a hard time finding her. when I found her, my life changed.
but now, my life is back right where it all began; at square one, all for a reason that her feelings went away.
so now, I just want to clear things out. there's a lot of irony, contradictions & confusions in my head. I want a definite reason, the real reason. don't just say it without a reason. everything happens for a reason.
one last time, to clear things out once and for all. don't keep me hanging finding a reason.
i'm feeling lonely i don't know who i can turn to now; i felt better at times; but i still feel lonely & empty at times too. i feel like talking to people to occupy my time; but i don't wish to disturb them. i will feel that i'm a nuisance to keep messaging / msn-ing them. there are some people i really want to talk to; but i just don't want them to find me irritating.
& even you don't want to talk to me. i can't even talk to a friend like you;
okay I've had enough of this shit. being emotional & all. it's been slowly killing me this week; staying up at home & closing myself out, listening to stupid emotional songs, EVERYTHING IS A STATE OF MIND. there is no path, there is no destiny, there is only a path when I pave one! & I'm going to start paving it.
new year, new start right? I'm going to change for the better, not going to hold on to bad memories. I will only remember the good ones and erase the bad ones. & f*ck it's hard but I have to do it. the only way for me to do it is forget, FORGET. but I'm sure one day someone, something will make me remember again; & f*ck I'm gonna face it. I'm gonna be a man damn it.
new year, new resolutions! 1. Find something to live for. 2. Study as hard / harder than last year. 3. Be a better friend & son. 4. Maintain $2000 in bank account. 5. Show more care & concern towards others. 6. Stop being materialistic.
that's about it, I'm not going to ask for much. they're more like my life principles/goals instead, not just resolutions.
this turning point will change my life forever, & I'm serious. some people may think I'm crazy/too emotional/think too much, but f*ck you & try to understand what I'm saying here.
so this is it, I'm going to face the world again tomorrow..
so this is the end; I won't deny that it is sad to end this way, but love is just so confusing that even when a couple loves each other so much, they can break up for a reason because they love each other too much.
she wanted the break up because I treated her too nice & she felt like the dominating one; but because I loved her so much that nothing else mattered to me; but she can't trust herself & can't bear to hurt me again; because she doesn't want to see me hurt so bad again. I went on with her decision & did it for her; because I love her.
even though we may not be together, but I still care for her. she does too, & the last promises we made are the last things that we could do for each other; & we'll do whatever it takes to keep them in order to maintain as friends. if the promises were to be broken, then friends we are not even going to be.
I believe I'm mature enough to handle this phase of my life, as well as the great people that believe in me. I'm really glad that the people I've not talked to for so long is still here for me; & even also the people I thought that wouldn't care is also here for me; I'm really glad. you people are the best I've known in my life so far; & a deep & appreciated thank you for all of you. you know who you are.
what the future holds for me will never be known; maybe I'd find someone better, maybe I'd rekindle an old flame. maybe I'd stay single, maybe no one would be attracted to me. but despite all these, I know i have something to live for. I may not have found out the reason yet, but I'll still get on with life.
memories will still stay; they may hurt at times, but they can't be removed.
the past year has taught me many things; too many to describe. they will stay in my head, and the fact will never change.
it'll be hard for me to adapt to this sudden change of my life, but I know I'll mature from this experience. I'm prepared to know that promises & sweet talks are only fit during happy moments, & they will turn into something else you can never imagine during unhappy times; & face it.
may the future for me reveal itself in time to come, becasue I'm prepared for anything. everything happens for a reason in my perception, & it still does.
goodbye to the future I blindly foresaw, & hello to the future I haven't seen.
You look in my eyes And I get emotional Inside I know it's crazy but You still can touch my heart And after all this time You'd think that I Wouldn't feel the same But time melts into nothing And nothing's changed
I still believe, someday you and me Will find ourselves in love again I had a dream, someday you and me Will find ourselves in love again
Each day of my life I'm filled with all the joy I could find You know that I am not the desperate type If there's one spark of hope left in my grasp I'll hold it with both hands It's worth the risk of burning To have a second chance No, no, no, no, no, nooo I need you baby I still believe that we can be together Ooooohoh no no nooo If we believe that true love never has to end Then we must know that we will love again Mmmh
Ooooohoh I still believe, someday you and me Will find ourselves in love again Oh baby, yeah yeah I had a dream, you and me Will find ourselves in love Again (I still believe) Oh baby I do (Someday you and me) Just give me one more time And love Again I had a dream, someday you and me Will find ourselves in love Again
